DIE DIE DIE

I had an important epiphany while at my friends BBQ over the weekend. I’ve always been a dog guy. I think most sane people feel the same way. My hang up is that I can never clearly express why someone being a cat person is SO truly crazy, other than saying the plainly obvious “cats suck . . . dude . . . I mean how are we even having this argument – cats just suck”.

Yes, cats are selfish and they don’t come when you call them. But most humans are selfish and don’t come when you call them- so I’ve hesitated in using that as my main argument for casting off the entire cat race.

But there I was on Sunday- watching Planet Earth in HD (exciting BBQ I know) – watching a tiger chase down a gazelle, and I realized something. There is absolutely NO DIFFERENCE between that tiger and your average house cat, EXCEPT for size. If little Muffin who cuddles with you every night was large enough to KILL YOU . . . she would.

I’ll go so far as to say the 98% of all house cats would kill you if they could. I have encountered around two percent of the cat population that act like dogs are incredibly sweet. My scientific observations lead me to believe that they’re a genetic anamoly and their mentally retarded cat brains aren’t fully developed. Therefore, the two percent of cats who WOULDN’T kill you on purpose – would do so on accident – much like Lenny in George Steinbeck’s classic “Of Mice and Men”.

Mice AND MEN. The other thing cats would kill if they could.
Case closed.

Picture by Joel Telling courtesy of Creative Commons License

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The personal bible of Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon religion, is being sold at a rare bookshop in Salt Lake City for a cool 1.5 million.

My first thought was who in the world would be crazy enough to pay 1.5 million for a bible when they’re available for free in every hotel room in the world?!? Then I saw the following picture and it all started making sense.

Now everyone is trying to capitalize on the John Smith bible craze – other collectibles from some well known Mormons have started popping up on EBay.

A lock of Ricky Schroeder’s platinum blond hair from 1985 is going for $500,000 – if you act now they’ll throw in his original striped sweater for an additional $19.95

The owner of this exact water gun pictured in Glenn Beck’s hands is offering to trade it for a slip n’ slide, big foot power wheels, and lifetime supply of beef jerky . . . or a white president.

And David Archuleta’s virginity is on sale for . . . . 3 goats and a wheelbarrow.
Some Mormon in Utah is hoping to get lucky and make David wife number 6.

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Love and chili is what comes to my mind when I think of the Original Tommy’s Hamburger. I wish all those soon to be disapointed tourists waiting for hours at Pinks on La Brea could be magically transported to the Rampart division – original home of police brutality – to experience the magnificence better known as an ORIGINAL Tommy’s burger.

ORIGINAL is capitalized because impostors do exist. Tommy’s itself is a chain, and I would never fault anyone for visiting any of them (except for the one on Laurel Canyon in North Hollywood, not worth it), but ain’t nothing like the real thing baby. Also – there are a number (although diminishing since the economic downturn) of real life Tommy’s impostors. Most of them are spelled “Tomy’s” and they also sell gyro’s, a clear give away that shit is not legit.

So why do I love Tommy’s so much? What is it?

First, the lay out. It’s a parking lot. Literally. I have never seen an establishment shaped in such a strange and fantastic way. There is a burger stand on the corner and an interior “L” shaped building that houses another burger stand, storage, a soda fountain, and wooden counters for you to consume the love. You park in between the stand and the L shaped building, giving the whole place a real sense of old school LA community. The space forces you to mingle.

Second, the people. People watching, talking, etc. is fantastic. If I were doing a poll of what Angeleno’s think on any topic ranging from sports to politics, I would just go to Tommy’s and ask. No need for mathematics. I guarantee you’ll get an accurate poll sample. I know this from experience. It could be my generally friendly or slightly buzzed demeanor but most of the time at Tommy’s I end up talking with people that have a completely different life experience than my own – and generally we end up agreeing on shit. Lamar Odom is being a bitch, yes. You like to blast DJ Quik too? Yes. Bar 107 is the shit, couldn’t agree more (that’s a whole different post).

Third, you’re ghetto centric. I have a dumb white boy tendency of loving places I’m not supposed to be. Not that Tommy’s is THAT ghetto, you’re not full blown in the ghetto, but, like most of LA, you’re not that far from it either. It is on Rampart blvd which gives it “Training Day” authenticity. Lets just say If I were a single woman I probably wouldn’t visit the original Tommy’s by myself on a late night. But I’m not a single woman.

Fourth, it’s on Beverly blvd. I feel like it’s a little known secret that Beverly Blvd is one of the best streets to cruise down in Los Angeles. It’s like Fountain without all the lights and stop signs. Rolling from the West you can get on such a groove of green that you’ll question why the 10 freeway even exists. Not to mention I don’t think I’ve ever seen a cop on the street.

- knocking on wood right now -

Finally, the food. It’s a giant fucking dance party in your mouth. Particularly the chili. Really. Fucking. Delicious.

That’s all I have to say about that.

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I went to the Hollywood Bowl twice last week – both times confirmed why I think its the best place to see a concert in Los Angeles.

Why?

1) No Rules
You can seriously bring in whatever the hell you want. Liquor, bottles, food, guns, knives, . . . whatev’s . . . they’re cool with it. Not exactly, but in a day and age where venues don’t let you bring in water and then make you wait 45 minutes on line to buy a $5 12oz – the bowl is refreshingly old school.

2) Mommy wow, I’m a big boy now
A lot of venues treat customers like prisoners – anything you’re carrying that’s not child protected is a weapon, which you’ll most likely use to shank someone. In some instances, I endorse this policy (see Dodger Stadium), but in most cases I think its a bullshit excuse to make people drop dough at concessions.

The Hollywood Bowl lets you sit at the adult table. “Yes!”, you can have glass, we trust that mummy taught you that launching bottles at the stage isn’t classy. And since they treat people like grown ups – for the most part – people act like grown-ups.

3) Place is run by 15 year-old kids
Given the two reasons above – you would think the security at the bowl would resemble the national guard – battons and semi’s galore ready to quell a rebellion at a moments notice. Quite the contrary, the place is literally run by teenagers.

When running late for a classical show my group was stopped by a 15 year old girl who said we had to wait till intermission to go to our seats. My first thought? I could crush you.

What did we do? We said “ok”, and we waited. Nothing says you’re an asshole more than yelling at a nervous kid working their first summer job. And . . . we ended up making a run for it along with 15 other people after the first movement. Everybody wins.

I think its a genius move – having kids run the show takes the edge off most people (at least I hope so man).

And if that doesn’t take the edge off – see reason #1, I’m sure you can figure out another way to chill out at the best venue in LA.

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